i dont know where to start, so i am from the beginning.
on Ausgest 31st, 2011, i dated a wonderful girl. im not naming names, but anyone close knows who she is. of course, through the relation ship there were ups and downs. some big, some small. but it happens right?
i have anxiety. she was the one person who helped me control myself. i was always able to carry myself pretty well, but it would act up sometimes.
she helped, followed, showed me the way through family, friends, everything. she was perfect.
eventually, we both got overwhelmed. we were too comfortable with eachother. we were too attached. we only focused on eachother.
my dog has problems. he’s around 7 years old.
my cousin has liver problems. around 6 months ago, the doctor told him he has around a year to live. and this girl, kept my attention. away from that. and i never realized. if i can take it all back, restart, i could.
one day, she told me she wanted a day to think. i got terrified. i knew she was hinking about breaking up with me. and i could not handle that. i had to break up with her. of course, after 9 months, it cant just end like that. but it had too.
we were on and off with the way we felt. i wanted to get back with her. she didnt. vise versa. repeat.
i’m a very innocent boy. i dont do drugs. i dont drink. nothing. i loved this girl. she was worth giving my virginity too, so it happened.
one day, i asked her if she would get back with me. she said no, i was broken. i didnt go to school that day. i layed in bed listening to music, and literally wrote down death notes to individual people. i couldnt control myself. i let her knowover text… she called me. we talked, and i dont even remember what about. it ended up with her screaming at me, about how i ruined her life, her friends always hated me, and more. i dont even know what she said. i blanked it all out. i needed my closest friends with me. ever since, i’ve been keeping myself occupied. but theres those nights. that ill be alone, and i break down, and cant help it.
my dogs been getting worse. i havn’t heard from my cousin.
earlier today. i found out shes friends with one of my closest friends. i cant handle that. yes, im one of those people. my friends are mine, yours are yours. i guess i was too attached.
i was so angry. i texted her. asking her to stay away from my friends.
it led me me being controlling, destroying her heart. i ruined her. and she never thought i loved her. i was controlling. thats cause i loved her. and she didnt think i loved her.that destroys me. the talk, or the fight, led to me telling her never to talk to me again and that im miserable and her calling me a mess and to pick myself up, and worse. i dont even remember what was said. so we’re done. i dont mean relationship wise or friend wise. talking wise. the one girl i’ve ever loved. all my life. aside from family, pets, friends. is gone. out of my life. this isnt every detail, but i think its enough to get my point.
so, i guess this is my “cry out for help”, cause i really need people here for me. no matter if i know you, dont know you, anything is helpful.